Some years ago I worked as an air hostess for one of the most reputable airlines in the Middle East (that is a part of my life that deserves a separate book). A part of the deal was that all flying crew were provided a company accommodation, and for a majority of us – ranking air-hostesses – we lived in the shared apartments. I got lucky to share the apartment with a German-Tunisian girl, and a Moroccan girl.
With the first one, I had a great relationship – and we soon became inseparable. With the latter one, however, things were slightly… complicated, shall we say.
Firstly, she talked too loud when on the phone, and that often disrupted my sleep after and before my flights, as our bedrooms shared a wall. Secondly, we shared the Air Condition unit, and she indulged in extremes – and made me shiver from cold when she set the thermostat for some fifteen degrees. Then, there was her sense of “tidiness” – meaning, you could see on Thursday what she cooked on Monday, and trust me, Moroccan food although very delicious, leaves significant stains everywhere unless you take care of it promptly. You get the picture.
What did I do to address the issue?
NOTHING.
That was exactly what I did – nothing. Except complaining about her to my family, rolling up my eyes, when I yet again returned to the room that was more like a freezer, or cleaning the kitchen after her, feeling like the poor victim – I did nothing else.
I did nothing because it was a delicate situation, and I didn’t want to disrupt fragile domestic peace. I simply avoided any confrontation, bit my tongue, and although internally very unhappy, I was pushing myself to go on.
And then, once, I was on the flight duty, and we filled the boredom between the meal services in the rear galley by talking with each other. We were a nice bunch, and I felt pretty safe to drop a hint or two about my then-flatmate in a funny and harmless way.
Everyone laughed, but afterward, one of the girls came to me and asked me very seriously:
“Why don’t you speak to your flatmate if what she does is bothering you so much?”
It was an absurd question! Speak to her? Disrupt the peace in the house by going to the open argument? I wasn’t to do that.
“I don’t want to fight with her,” I answered, certain that I was doing the right thing. I was THE GOOD ONE, suffering and going through with it for the greater good.
But she shook her head and said:
“If you don’t tell others what is bothering you, you’re not giving them a chance to improve. It’s then you who’s doing something wrong, not her.”
And she left, leaving me open-mouthed and stunned.
Suddenly, I wasn’t a good one anymore, and what stung, even more, was that I knew she was right. I was simply a coward, not a hero.
You can imply my situation from years ago to any scenario whether at work or in a relationship. A boss who’s refusing to address the under-performer because he’s afraid of going into a confrontation, a partner that’s responding to a fight with their other half by shutting down or giving them an ultimatum. Or even more scary scenarios – when people are afraid to question authority although they know something is off, yet they keep quiet “out of respect” or fear – like when someone sees a company’s financials being mishandled by a CFO – a case that is not so rare.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way, and you can learn how to lead healthy confrontations in every situation. The bad news is that you must change your current ways, and be willing to change, no matter how painful or uncomfortable that is.
Of course, not every situation requires you to get confrontational, but that must be up to your judgment. Ask yourself “What are the costs of staying quiet?” Be as honest and objective as you can, without trying to find an easy way out. A hint – if you’re avoiding a situation because it seems to be very difficult to resolve, yet your conscience is nagging you, then you should probably speak up, and pull your head out of the sand.
Often, we avoid approaching an issue because we’re asking ourselves the wrong question.
We ask: “HOW CAN I MAKE THEM DO WHAT I WANT?”
Instead of: “HOW CAN I FIND THE BEST POSSIBLE SOLUTION?”
If going to a confrontation, you must follow certain rules – and you must prepare for it beforehand. What’s more important, you have to create a safe space where also the other party can share how they feel about the situation. And although, there is no clear roadmap, here are a few tips that will help you.
- DEFINE THE PROBLEM CORRECTLY. Identifying a correct problem is much more difficult than it seems. What usually helps is to define WHAT happened, and WHAT were the consequences of that action. Make it simple, and easy to understand, you don’t need to have lengthy monologues around that. For example: “I noticed that you’re overlooking the underperformance of that particular team member, and that is causing a lowering of team morale.” That was clear, concise, and stated only facts. Or, what I should have said in my case: “I experienced you talking on the phone quite loud, and that is disturbing my sleep.” Sounds easy, right? Problem definition is not an overly complex task, but we tend to put a lot of noise around it and get emotional when describing it.
- DON’T MIX-UP your story with the facts. We all tell ourselves some stories about WHY this or that is happening, and truth to be said, it is those stories that usually rub us off rather than what exactly happened. For instance, in my case, the fact was that my roommate was loud when talking on her phone. However, my story about that was that she was disrespectful about my rest. Don’t mix the two up, and when stating what is the issue, gather only facts. Stay away from your stories.
- DON’T ASSUME you know someone’s intentions. Every discussion requires a flow of information going in both directions. When you assume what are someone’s intentions, you’re automatically depriving them of a right to speak for themselves. ASK them WHY they are doing what they are doing – and more importantly – LISTEN when they tell you. You might be surprised to know that the underperforming employee has long-lasting issues at home, or maybe that he wasn’t given the tools to accomplish his job goals.
- EMPOWER them. Ask them questions. Start with asking WHY is happening what is happening. Ask them how you can help. Ask them to contribute to a solution to an issue. Simply, empower them, and make them an equal partner in the conversation.
- CREATE A SAFE SPACE. When asking someone why something is not working, we must come not only with open ears but more importantly – with open hearts and minds. Impatience, arrogance, or sarcasm will resolve nothing, and will only create a defensive response, or a shutdown. Create a safe space where it is okay to get vulnerable; when the information won’t be used against the person; when you offer actively help them in a way that is acceptable for all parties. For instance – it is always a good start to reiterate that by opening up a discussion, with a phrase: “I don’t intend to offend you.” Don’t hesitate to step back even during the discussion when you see that the other party is getting too emotional, and might deviate from the constructive conversation due to the risen adrenalin. Step back, and assure them that you’re only debating it because you’re trying to find a solution, not to assault them.
- ESTABLISH A COMMON GROUND. When resolving any issue, we must establish common ground – aka, a common goal with the other party. What should be the ideal situation in the future? Do we all agree on it? If you don’t find a consensus about the common ground, try at least to understand their core values, and build achievable goals based on them.
- AGREE ON A PLAN AND FOLLOW UP. WHO should do WHAT and WHEN? How will you ensure that what you agreed on is going to happen? Should you meet again, and discuss the progress of the situation? If so, who is going to take the action of scheduling the follow-up? This is much more applicable to the work environment.
- MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS. If the confrontation is getting too heated, it is time to step back and cool down. You might want to reiterate the fact that your intention is not to insult each other and try to create a safe space again, but if you see that the adrenalin prevails, it’s wiser to delay the conversation.
A confrontation should never be about manipulating someone to do what we want them to do but jointly finding a sustainable solution to a problem that occurred.
And the most important rule of all…
BE FLEXIBLE AND OPEN-MINDED. As I said at the beginning, there is no clear roadmap. While you might try to keep your cool, sometimes the discussion might deviate. Sometimes, the other party – or you for that matter, might get too heated to continue in the discussion. Or you might find out about an underlying issue that overweighs what you wanted to discuss in the first place… and therefore – keep an open mind – and more importantly – open heart the whole time. Only remember that every confrontation should resolve the issue and strengthen your relationship with the other party. It is not about you manipulating them to do WHAT YOU WANT, it is to FIND A SOLUTION THAT SUITS BOTH SIDES. And that might be sometimes hard because hand over heart – don’t we often assume we know the best? Avoid that mistake.
And how did my situation with my ex-roommate go? I mustered my courage and talked to her. She got very defensive, and I retreated from the situation, only to return to it when the emotions cooled down. Needless to say, we resolved it, although it took a few attempts, each next one being smoother and less emotional…